I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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