i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
