How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
