I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
