and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
