Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
