jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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