you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
