"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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