who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
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