you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
