You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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