if i can run in heels then i can drive
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
