I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Randomize
