I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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