I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Im part way to drunk.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
