Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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