I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I could have mohawked her pubes.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
