i just identified you from a description of your pipe
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
