My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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