I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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