walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
