I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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