I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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