Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize