The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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