I don't usually arrange sex via text message
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
