i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
