this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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