weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
My pussy is not your playground.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
