I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just forgot I was standing up.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
