The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
