We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
