The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
