The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
