We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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