Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
