Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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