Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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