So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
