i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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