that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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