Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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