You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
