please come you make the beer taste better
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
