Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
How does it feel to date your dad?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
