Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
