sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
