It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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