I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize
