Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Randomize
