You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
