I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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